Big D (Depression)


Some friends should leave
This companion sticks
Even in sleep D
Turns director of dreams
Flings you across collapsing hallways
Slams your hands into bedrails that
Transform to knives
Just as you wake up

They call D an animal
Melancholy’s black dog
Shoo it away and it stays
Kick it, fur turns stone
Offer D a treat
D feeds on you

Afternoon and evening
Identical every moment
Minutes feel hours, but who’s counting?
There’s games, TV, walls
Each sends the same message:
The situation so serious
It can’t be serious

These days I talk a lot to D
Never get a reply
Not even the familiar fulminations:
You might have been
A force, made a difference
Hearing the old tales exhausts

You need all your energy for the nights
When you need sleep
D refuses
Soon as you doze D steals closer
Leaps into your brain
Confides to your soul:
There’s nothing there at all

If life’s an illusion
I need a new writer
Not pills or doctors
A real playwright
She’ll spin a new story
My existence elsewhere
A ticket out

I used to worry about
Pensions, nursing homes
Not since the future went away
My new responsibility:
To have none

Never before in my life
Did I find this ceiling so damned fascinating
When my eyes open
I can’t stop looking