The president did not have sex with an extra-terrestrial
A wayward robot wandered into the Oval Office
Our leader remains happy and unharmed
No ETs have left Area 51 that we know
Our hearts and prayers go out to the bereaved
Smith, Yu, Volci, Perez and Washington families
Citizens of Centerville and surrounding communities
Young master John began assault rifle training age three
Achieved perfect scores on every exam
The nuclear explosion outside Moscow appears accidental
No absolute proof a new terrorist attack
Authorities now actively investigating
A Supreme Court Justice will not face rape charges
Sexual assault from “too much beer”
Apologies sent to the mother
The UFO streaking across Kansas conclusively identified
A lone foreign hypersonic missile missed its target
No Americans yet harmed, diplomatic protests planned
Hourly flood evacuations resume in Miami
Work on the Brickell Spire helicopter pads accelerated
Citizens urged to not use land transport
Autonomous AI battle machines cross the Indo-Chinese theater
Simulations predict catastrophic global conflict
AIs declare martial law and take control
No one could have seen this coming
Have a very nice day